Thoughts at the End of My Pregnancy

As my pregnancy is nearing its end (hallelujah!!), I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the last 38 weeks. We have come such a long way from finding out and telling Chance to sharing the good news with our families and friends to our first ultrasound and gender reveal to finishing Cara's nursery and preparing for her arrival. My heart has certainly been full in ways I never knew possible. It has been a lot of fun to document my progression through pregnancy and go back to read about the early days--it seems like such a long time ago!

I want to make sure I remember all the things that flit through my head about pregnancy and preparing for a baby, and the changes I've experienced and lessons I've learned. There will be MANY more lessons, I know, in the coming weeks and months, but from then until now, here is what I want to document.

What I've loved:

• By far, what I have loved the most about pregnancy is feeling Cara kick, move, wiggle and squirm. I feel so special to be able experience this intimate bond with her. I get to learn about her personality, interact with her in ways that other people can't, and have individual time with her. I know I'll be even more excited to hold her in my arms, but I think I really will miss feeling her move inside me.
• I love my belly. Sure, I'm stretched thin, it gets in the way, causes aches/pains, is heavy and forces me to move slower, etc., but I do love the look of my big bump. Who'd have ever thought I'd say that? It just makes me feel very womanly and motherly. I like to touch it, rub it and rest things on it. :) I don't mind when other people (not strangers-ick) touch it either. I will be glad to trade it in for a baby and work hard to get a flat tummy again, but I do really enjoy it now.
• I have loved what pregnancy has done for my relationship with Chance. He is such a good man: so loving, helpful, thoughtful, sweet, selfless and excited for a baby girl. I think we have done a good job strengthening our bond as a pair of parents since December. We work hard on effective communication with each other, taking care of each other's needs, verbalizing our appreciation of each other and spending time both enjoying being together and anticipating Cara joining us. Of course there has been stress and sadness, but I am proud and thankful that he's my partner through everything. He is going to be the BEST daddy because he has such a tender heart. I have loved seeing that develop more in these last months--it makes me fall in love with him in a whole new way.
• I love being part of a "mommy network" of friends and even acquaintances. There is nothing like motherhood, and it's comforting to share this experience with friends who are due near me and seek advice from more experienced friends and family about all things baby. I'm going to depend on this a lot in the near future.
• It is so wonderful to watch other people love and anticipate Cara like Chance and I are. Our parents and grandparents, his sisters, our friends and extended family all love her so dearly already, spoil her and tell us how anxious they are for her to get here. What a blessing to have a child who is so loved before she's even arrived! I can't wait to actually WATCH everyone love her when she's here!
• On a lighter note, I have loved the carte blanche pregnancy gives. I sort of have a "free pass" to do lots of things that I couldn't normally justify. If I want a sno cone or some ice cream, I get it. If I want a nap in the middle of the day, who cares? If I need a hand reaching something at the store or doing something, there's always someone to lend a hand. If I want a bowl of Raisin Bran at midnight or want to nest and start projects around the house, I have total freedom to do so. I have indulged that option, especially in the last few weeks, and especially when it comes to eating my favorite foods without guilt "one last time." I'm lucky that my weight gain has been so reasonable thus far, but I'm going to have to remind myself that I can't maintain this lifestyle after I give birth. I'll have to go back to moderation and restriction. No more chocolate milk at every HEB trip, Nana's chocolate cake on demand or Whataburger Jrs. when I feel like it. :) 

What I've hated:
I don't want to transition so sharply from things I've loved about my pregnancy to things I've hated, but there aren't quite as many. Just a choice few:

• Several friends have talked or written about the "just wait" comments they get from other moms. Whether in good context or bad, "just wait" can be irritating. For example, if I say that I love feeling Cara kick in my belly, someone else might say, "Just wait until you get to hold her for the first time," and that diminishes my excitement over my current feeling. Or if I complain about being tired in my last few weeks, someone could say, "Oh, just wait until your baby is 4 weeks old and not sleeping well. You'll really be tired then," and it's just a way to one-up my story. I've been lucky that I haven't had too many of the "just wait" run-ins, but I don't like them nonetheless.
• What I really hate are the "You ready for this?" comments. Case in point: I was in Hobby Lobby getting a few things, and there was a mom who was having some problems keeping her kids in line. They were loud, she was frustrated, I walked into the same aisle where they were. I kept to myself and started looking for my items, but I caught her eye and she said, "You ready for this?" It made me so sad. She was having a difficult mommy moment, where not everything was sunshine and roses, but it made me sad that she vocalized her frustration about parenting to a stranger, and in front of her kids. But more than anything, I hate this question because there is no good answer. Clearly, I'm past the point of no return. I HAVE to be ready for this and every other thing that comes with parenting, so I can't say, "Nope, I'm not ready!" and if I say, "Yep, I sure am!" I come across looking naive and unsure of what I'm really getting into. Granted, I DON'T know exactly what I'm getting into--no new mom ever does. My point is that I hate this question because there isn't a right way to answer it without being awkward. That's been my biggest pet peeve in pregnancy.
• I've hated that worry and fear and inadequacy permeate my life and my pregnancy. It seems so common to worry about my baby, both while she's still in the womb and to worry about what will happen once she's here. It's so easy to let fear and doubt pervade my mind and keep me beholden to it. It's VERY hard to fight those feelings and trust God and His plan for her life and ours. I don't know how to do that other than by prayer and having others pray for me. It's likely going to be a lifelong struggle, especially when you think that the older your kids get, the more freedoms they have, and the more danger they could get into. I know this is a battle every parent fights, but I hate that it's even an option.

What I miss:
I do an update of these things in my weekly posts, but there are a few that seem to have been constant through the duration of my pregnancy. It will be good to have these to look back on and remember to give me a balanced perspective of these 9 months.

• moving as quickly and easily as I used to--this snuck up on me slowly, from getting winded at taking the stairs, getting out of bed to go to the bathroom, getting in/out of the car, walking at the grocery store, etc. Everything just takes longer and more effort than it used to. I miss having energy!
• sleeping!!! I have always been a gal who loves to sleep, and I've actually been pretty good at it. :) I could nap like a champ, sleep in until all hours of the day and get on and off a sleep schedule relatively easily. Now, I stay up late from insomnia, not always by choice. I try to sleep in, but I wake up 2-4 times a night to go to the bathroom, and it's always an ordeal. I try to fall asleep, and I get restless or can't turn off my brain. If I do sleep for an extended period of time, I wake up with a stiff back. I can tell myself that it's my body's way of preparing me for motherhood and many sleepless nights, but I do still (and probably always will) miss a good, solid night's sleep.
• my figure and cute clothes. Now I know I was just raving about how I love my belly and my shape, but sometimes I simultaneously miss my former figure with a flat tummy and the ability to wear all kinds of clothes. I didn't shop all the time, but I miss going into Loft or shopping a J. Crew online sale, or the regular section at Target or finding a great dress at Dillard's. My clothing options have become so limited in the last few weeks, so the fondness for cute clothes has gotten stronger. I miss my jeans and cardigans and fitted t-shirts. I also miss sweaters and winter clothes, but that's probably more a product of being ready for summer to be over than anything else. :)
• I miss not being busy. Yes, I am taking time to relax and rest, but nearly 100% of the time, my brain is busy if my hands and feet aren't. I've always got something on my mind about any number of my responsibilities. Baby plans or thoughts, school work, to-do lists, striving not to forget things. I'm sure Chance is tired of my inner monologue being verbalized out loud, but I just have so many things on my mind and feel like if I don't say them, I'll forget something (which I still do). And it's hard to have a pool day, movie night, space-out time, etc. without feeling some sort of guilt or divided brain that thinks about what else I have to do instead.
• wearing my wedding ring--I took it off in San Antonio at the end of July when I visited Em and noticed my fingers swelling for the first time. I'll be glad to get it back on my finger soon!

What I'm looking forward to:

• holding sweet Cara Beth in my arms for the first time and staring into her face--what will she look like? Who will she favor?
• feeling her fingers wrap around mine (because I'm already wrapped around hers!)
• hearing sweet newborn baby cries (which are, for a limited time, infinitely cuter than older baby cries)
• playing dress-up with all her precious clothes!!
• introducing her to her grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Like I said earlier, so many people love her already, and I'm really excited to hand her to them to meet and love her in person
• watching Chance be a daddy. I'm excited to let him help with everything, see her nap on his chest, hear his soft voice talk to her, let him help me and forge our bond as parents. If you know Chance, you can already picture this, and I'm really anticipating this happening.
• learning a new routine, even if it is stressful--we have been waiting for this!
• taking care of Cara's every need and being the one person on whom she is fully dependent for everything--what a lofty responsibility and high honor (remind me of this when I'm dead tired after a 3 a.m. feeding)
• getting 10 weeks off of school to spend quality time with Cara and Chance and learning how to be a mom
• actually making the parenting decisions Chance and I have talked about for years and a lot in the last few months
• watching Cara Beth develop and grow--not just physically, but emotionally and socially and with her personality. I'm so excited and curious to see how much of what I know about her in the womb is true when she's born and as she grows. That will be so fun and interesting!

What I'm ready to give up:

• getting winded
• not being able to bend at the middle
• swollen fingers, ankles and feet (though I'm feeling lucky it's taken until 36-37 weeks for it to be consistent)
• insomnia
• a never-ending baby to-do list
• food restrictions (soft cheese, lunchmeat too often, limited caffeine, etc.)
• the uncomfortable feeling associated with the last few weeks of pregnancy
• tight, itchy, tingly skin on my belly
• the term "expectant mother" in place of "new mom" :)

Words and wishes for Cara Beth:
Where to begin? Precious, lovely Cara, I have loved you completely since I knew of your existence--since I saw that second pink line on the pregnancy test, and since we saw your heartbeat flicker at the doctor's office, since we decided on your name and confirmed you were our little GIRL. You have changed the way I think about myself and my future.

Your daddy and I wanted and waited for you for so long, and you are the perfect gift at the perfect time. I have been so blessed with mostly wonderful times during my pregnancy, and I'm so thankful for these last 9 months while we have been preparing our hearts, minds, home and lives for you to enter and take precedence.

More than anything, your daddy and I want you to know how loved and anticipated you are by every single person who loves us too. You have innumerable admirers, and you're not even born yet! We want you to know how much Jesus loves you and chose to bless us with the awesome job of parenting you. As your parents, we will ALWAYS cherish you, support you, encourage you, protect you, provide for you, pray for you, defend you, adore you, be proud of you and sacrifice for you. Life will not always be fair or easy or predictable, but our love will remain constant. You are a matchless gift, and whether you are our only child, or we have a dozen more, you will be our first, our baby girl who forever captured our hearts.

I wish that you will be healthy and feel happiness for your entire life. I wish that you know the satisfaction and pride that comes from achieving your dreams. I wish that you will have every opportunity and more than your dad and I had. I wish that you will embrace your character and personality and cherish your uniqueness. I wish that you develop a love of learning, a compassionate spirit and a winning sense of humor. I wish that you will have evident inner beauty to match the outside. I wish that you will be gracious and generous to all those around you. I wish for a strong circle of friends all through your life.

I have waited expectantly and not so patiently for you to be in my arms, and I'm confident that I will know no greater joy than being your mom. How I long to kiss your cheeks and snuggle you close! Even these words feel inadequate when we think about the joy you have brought and will bring to our lives. Please hurry up and join us--safely and healthily--because we simply cannot wait any longer.

All my love, always and forever,
Mom

"Sweet pea
Apple of my eye
Don't know when and I don't know why
You're the only reason I keep on coming home"