What I've Learned

Well, it's been a month since I blogged. I always knew it would be hard to keep the steady blogging pace once Cara was here, but I really had no idea. So much has happened in the last month, and I have learned so many lessons about being a mother, as well as things about my daughter. I'm going to try to condense these lessons into coherency, and I'm going to be brutally honest. But I will throw in some pictures of my sweet girl for good measure. :)

First, having a newborn is HARD! Once you come home from the hospital, there is a lovely glow you feel about having a baby, adrenaline about doing it on your own and a fair amount of naivete about what you're getting in to. Then the first few days of sleeping babies and visitors and helpers end and the real deal sets in. In our case, the "glowy" period lasted about 2 weeks until Chance went back to work. Soon after, we started tracking Cara's behavior because she was sleeping poorly, fussing a lot during the day, eating erratically at night, etc. After some texts and doctor's visits, Cara was diagnosed with reflux. She's been on Zantac for about 10 days now, and we're starting to see improvement. But it's HARD not to know what's wrong with your baby, it's HARD to see her in pain and not be able to help, it's HARD to keep up the energy to face each long day and night. Breastfeeding is HARD (that's a whole separate post entirely...). Getting them to sleep is HARD. Even without dealing with reflux, it would still be a difficult learning curve, to say the least. Luckily, Cara is starting to feel better, she's had good nights of sleep (including sleeping through the night on her 6-week-birthday), and it's easier now than it used to be. But days are still hard sometimes. I'm glad they are getting fewer and farther between.

Second, sleep deprivation is only part of it. I thought it would be hard to be tired all the time, but that I could handle it. But in addition to being exhausted, the mind games that go along with lack of sleep are the worst. When Cara would wake up every hour and eat for 30 minutes and then sleep for an hour, it played with my mind and my emotions. I'd think she was never going to sleep again, I'd fantasize about getting a full night's sleep in a comfy bed, I would stress over her being awake for so long, I'd be jealous of other moms whose babies were fantastic sleepers, I'd feel guilty for being frustrated by my child. Dark days and dark places when you don't get enough sleep. It's funny--when we would have an extremely bad day or night, the next one would be much easier. It's like the Lord knew I needed a break and was teaching me patience, understanding and dependence on Him and others who are willing to help. I know we will still have bad days or bad nights here and there, but it makes me appreciate these good days so much more because I remember so vividly the tough ones.

Third, comparison is a nasty game. I have so many friends who had babies around the time I did, and so many friends who have been moms for a while. It's very easy to ask advice or compare notes and then judge myself by their standards. Whether it's sleeping patterns, feeding issues, growth, clothes, schedules, body image, mental state--anything is grounds for comparison. And I've learned that it's extremely detrimental. That's not to say that I don't do it, but I've at least realized how damaging it can be. I am who I am, Cara is who she is, and we're both doing just what we can do. She's healthy and thriving and beautiful, and I'm figuring things out with help. That's all I can wish for and ask of myself.

Fourth, worry is becoming second nature. I'm a worrier by nature anyway, but it's been heightened since having a baby. I worry about her sleeping enough, feeling good, being safe. I worry when she sleeps that she'll stop breathing (which leads to watching the monitor incessantly). I know that's typical of many moms, and it's true for me too. I worry about keeping my house in order, about going back to work, about how she will grow up, about money, about daycare, about doing enough to help her develop, etc. See what I mean about worry? I don't know how to stop this, and from what I know, it's the most common thing parents do. It's hard to worry and hard to stop.

Last, the grass is always greener. I've been home from work since I had Cara, and I'm not going back until November 5. That's about 10 weeks off of school, and that's great. I've been able to see both sides of the perspective about being a working mom vs. a stay-at-home mom. Being home with Cara is wonderful because I'm able to do whatever she needs, whenever she needs. We can go to the doctor, I can nurse her on demand, we can both take a nap in the middle of the day, etc. But it's also draining sometimes. I can go for hours without talking to someone unless I make a phone call. I could go days without showering (not that I have... at least not since the first couple of weeks...) :). The four walls close in pretty quickly when it's just you and a baby. There is only so much Law & Order one person can watch to pass the time! I think if you are a SAHM, you have to make a concerted effort to get out of the house each day, which is a tall order some days. It's tough to find that schedule to get yourself ready plus a baby and make it somewhere on time. We've been going to HEB a lot, to Target, driving around, going to Sonic, etc. Just getting out is good. I'm not sure what it will be like going back to work, but I'm sure it will be stressful. But part of me is somewhat ready for structure again, to have her daycare help get her on a schedule, for me to know what to expect at certain times of day and to live and die by the bell at school. :) The grass is always greener, and I've been able to experience both aspects lately.

Now, all these lessons do have a more negative slant. I don't want to sugarcoat anything I've learned, because it's not all sunshine and roses and unicorns. Yes, Cara is absolutely perfect and wonderful and precious. Without a doubt. We love her so much and love to spend time with her and just watch her make faces and laugh at her. But that's not all it is. Sometimes we have hard days and tough lessons and sometimes I feel like a failure and like I don't know what I'm doing and like I'll never "get it together" again. It helps me just to acknowledge and articulate that, because then I don't feel like I'm supposed to be hiding behind a facade of easiness. I also have lots of friends who have babies or are having babies soon. I may not have believed a friend who told me these lessons before I had a baby, but I would have kept it in the back of my mind. I am completely 100% over-the-moon in love with my baby girl, and I guess this is the side of parenting that I didn't realize would be present. The duality of good and bad, of tough and rewarding.

I hope I don't sound too negative, but do sound realistic and hopeful. I know I'll look back on these "survival" days in months and years to come and laugh a knowing laugh. And I know I will miss these days when Cara is so small and sweet and tiny and I'll wish for them again. I'm hopeful more sweet, fun days are ahead as well, more memories to be made, more milestones to achieve. And also more difficulties. Everything is new and challenging, but it's rewarding and empowering to conquer and make it through.