In Reflection of my Dairy Cow Days

I stopped nursing Cara on August 13, just about 2 weeks shy of her first birthday. I've been thinking for a long time about the end of this time in our lives with lots of emotions-positive and negative ones. Along the way, I've learned many things about myself, about my baby and about life. I won't belabor the topic, but I do want to share and remember because this time was such a significant experience in our lives.

1. Nursing Cara taught me to sacrifice for my child.
Now, there are many ways moms learn sacrifice, and it's a trait that I hope all parents pick up rather quickly when their child is born. But being a working nursing mom taught me about sacrifice like nothing else could. I routinely gave up my time, my physical comfort, literally my body so that she could benefit. In her newborn days, she would eat for up to an hour--and if she needed to eat every 2-3 hours and you start counting from the beginning of the feeding, well, you can see how time adds up pretty quickly. If only I fed her throughout the day, at the least she was eating 5 times a day. 30 minutes x 5 times = 2.5 hours of my wake time a day. Then we factor in pumping. At my peak, I was pumping 4 times a day in addition to nursing her a few times too.

Pumping not only required me to sacrifice my time, but also my sleep as I'd get up early or stay up late to squeeze in another session. I sacrificed my work or students to pump before and after school and during lunch. The pump was my best friend and my worst enemy because it allowed me the freedom to go back to work and still feed her milk at daycare, but it wasn't really "freedom" because I was a slave to the clock and to the machine. It was a wonderful day when I finally cleaned, sterilized and packed away the parts for the last time.

2. Nursing and pumping taught me to prioritize my life and work efficiently always.
It was both stressful and fulfilling to be the one on whom Cara solely depended for nourishment. There were many times I would have given anything for Chance to get up in the middle of the night to make her a bottle or to rock her to sleep while I took care of the zillion other things that needed to be done instead.

But in this last year, I have put Cara's needs squarely ahead of my own and ahead of the menial house and work tasks. If I knew she had to be picked up by 4:45 to feed her by 5, I had to work efficiently at school to get everything done in a shorter amount of time. Being a slave to the clock is a difficult way to live, as I realized the couple of times we went away without Cara. It was hard to forget about a time schedule, but it was nice to take a step back every now and then.

3. Through nursing, I have learned to better communicate with Chance.
When I was bleary-eyed from all-night feedings, bone tired from working all day and tending to Cara all evening, that's where Chance stepped in and took care of so many of the other necessities while I took on the primary responsibility of feeding. We definitely became a tag-team pair, working in tandem and honing our communication. We didn't always do it well, but we figured it out together.

I had to remind him often of how thankful I was for him, and he had to encourage me when it was hard to keep going with this process. I had to cede control of how I like things to be done around the house (how the shirts should be folded, where in the pantry some food lives, etc.) because I was grateful it was being done in the first place. I think our marriage is better because of these lessons and struggles.

4. I learned that stress and joy come no matter what path you choose.
Lastly, I learned through experience that there is no "right" way for anyone. I was able to exclusively nurse Cara for 10.5 months, which I'm thankful for. I started to wean her slowly over time and supplemented dropped feedings with formula bottles for about 6 weeks. She took to it like a champ when we weren't nursing, for which I'm so grateful. But I saw a different set of stresses and joys in this way too.

Every. Single. Day. of nursing and pumping I stressed and counted ounces of milk. I agonized over every single storage bag that went into the freezer. When we had to leave Cara, I planned and worried about when I could pump. Part of this is my personality, part of it is the nature of the beast, I suppose. Figuring out how to nurse in those first days, toughing it out with the pain and pressure in the first weeks, stressing about how much I was providing for her every month was very difficult. I put a lot of stock in my success as a mother at how well and long I was able to nurse her. That is utterly ridiculous, rationally, but how many mothers have felt the same way? The stress of formula was more monetary for me and feeling bad that I wasn't the only one who could meet her needs. So in that way, I learned that all mommies stress over feeding their children, no matter how they do it.

The joys of both were evident as well. I absolutely loved the bonding time Cara and I had multiple times a day, every day for a year. There is just nothing like it, and it's hard to describe with words. I realize that she doesn't and probably won't ever know the difference, but I treasure our time together. Even when I could've been doing millions of other things, I just spent that time with her. When she started drinking formula bottles, I realized we still maintained that bond and rituals of feeding when I would hold her as she drank a bottle--and that she drank a bottle  in 1/3 of the time she would nurse, so that was a major benefit!

Basically, I discovered that whatever choice a mother makes for her child and her family is the right one for her. There are perks and woes, no matter the journey, and the destination is the same--a happy, healthy, thriving child who is grateful to have been provided for by whatever means necessary.

If it sounds like I'm conflicted and dichotomous, it's because I am. I'm so glad I was able to nurse Cara until she was almost one year old, and I'm also glad I got to see the other side of bottle feeding too. I think it gave me a balanced and realistic perspective.

Now, if you've made it this far, way to go. I'll share a link from a blog I stumbled upon from a mom who wrote about her nursing journey. It's laugh-out-loud funny and extremely honest. And the cartoons are just great. If you are a mom who's nursed her child for any period of time, it's worth a read.

http://ouradoptionfaithwalk.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/world-breastfeeding-week-salute.html

Looking back, when she weaned on August 13, it was such a bittersweet day. I knew for sure she was ready, because she'd gotten so big and squirmy and distracted. I was really ready for the next step, and I'm also glad I knew that it was the last time she would nurse. I made it a point to be really focused on our last time together and hide that memory in my heart. Between that Tuesday and the Saturday a few days later, she'd transitioned off of formula and onto cow's milk completely. What a fast, important transition! This year has gone by in the blink of an eye in more ways than one, and this milestone is just one example of how fast things move!

Thanks for following along with my journey. Who knows what will happen with the next child, but I know I'll be more prepared for whatever comes our way!